Monster High the Movie: Mind-numbing Musical Mediocrity
Drawing from 2000s kid nostalgia, Monster High the Movie (The Musical?) is one of the many recent attempts by various franchises to regain relevance with their now-grown audiences.
By: Kate Lamont
Nothing could have ever prepared me for the enigma that is Monster High: The Movie.
The movie begins with our protagonist, werewolf-hybrid Clawdeen, hanging out at a skatepark. Of course, the peace doesn’t last long, as a group of skaters notice Clawdeen- more specifically, her purple wolf ears. Far be it for MH to shy away from reality, with the ghoul girls and whatnot, but right off the bat, the most unrealistic part of this movie was the fact that no one assumed Clawdeen was just wearing animal ears. Has no one heard of furries? An incredibly underwhelming and short-lived chase ensues, ending with Clawdeen escaping with a vertical that puts LeBron to shame.
When Clawdeen returns home, we meet her father, Apollo, who, despite his namesake, is entirely human. While he goes on to have a total of maybe seven minutes of screentime, Apollo establishes himself as one of the most simultaneously bland and endearing characters in the film, with his only attention-getter being his oddly flirty voice. We then learn that it is Clawdeen’s 15th birthday, yet another shocker considering that her actress, newcomer Miia Harris, is just shy of 20 years old and looks the part. After receiving a conveniently-timed acceptance letter, Apollo and Clawdeen decide it’s time for the latter to leave the cruel human world for one full of people like her: the titular Monster High.
Cue the portal sequence, cue CGI castle, and then we can finally get into what absolutely nobody is waiting for: the songs. In truth, there are actually only four or five songs in the movie, and all are fairly consistent in quality. The cast is extremely talented and complemented by Broadway actors like Kyle Selig, who plays Mr. Komos, and the music is actually somewhat enjoyable. What destroys that illusion of satisfaction though, is the choreography. For a bit of context, choreographer Heather Laura Gray’s main venue is the infamous Riverdale, specifically its seasonal musical episodes. Those familiar with Riverdale’s choreography probably believe that it can’t get any worse, but Monster High proves it can. With a style best described as an amalgamation of contemporary, interpretive, and TikTok dancing, the admittedly well-executed dances lack vision, uniqueness, or really any reason for existing. I’d go as far as to say I would’ve liked this movie more if I’d watched it completely blind.
Musical ineptitude aside, the movie continues on. We’re introduced to Clawdeen’s roommates: the incredibly endearing Frankie Stein played by Ceci Balagot (bonus points for a non-binary character played by a non-binary actor) and the standoffish but compelling Draculaura played by Nayah Damasen. The actors are really what pulls the movie forward into watchable territory; I’d recommend you watch this movie solely for the gem that is Frankie’s character. The plot continues in a less-than-memorable fashion, but to summarize, the movie’s issue is that while Clawdeen has finally found somewhere where there are people like her, the monsters hate humans, and Clawdeen is half-human. Worse, when she gets overly stressed, her monstrous traits disappear, leaving her visibly and utterly human. Thus begins Clawdeen’s quest to become a full monster by obtaining the movie’s McGuffin: an elixir made by half-monster Hyde (yes, as in Jekyll and Hyde.)
In all honesty, the rest of the plot is unmemorable at best. They need to open a door to get the potion, they figure out how to open it, and they open it. There’s a puzzle, they figure it out, and they pass through. Then, when Clawdeen finally gets her hands on the elixir, she’s talked off the proverbial ledge by Mr. Komos, who reveals himself to be a half-monster too. But, when she hands the potion over, we get the “big” reveal that Mr. Komos is actually Hyde’s son as he downs the potion himself!
I wish I could say that the ending is memorable, but like everything targeted towards children, the big baddie is defeated in a less than 2-minute-long fight scene using the power of friendship and whatnot. Clawdeen accepts her humanity, the school recognizes their prejudice, and they all live happily ever after. The film ends with a cute musical number and you’re faced with the fact that you’ve just lost 80 minutes of your precious life.
As much fun as I’ve poked at it, Monster High: The Movie is a reminder of what it is to be a child. With the movie game dominated by mind-breakers like Inception, The Matrix, and Parasite, a symmetrical plot structure and a simple story was an admittedly pleasant break. At the end of the day, this review is for entertainment purposes and Monster High never claimed to be the peak of all cinema. If anything, the quality of movies for children has actually improved as we’ve strayed from mind-numbing nonsense into something that almost makes sense! And, while the average Nickelodeon watcher is likely not writing film analyses, the movie delivers a nice metaphor for belonging and identity, whether you take it as cultural, ethnic, or orientation.
So, do I recommend Monster High: The Movie?
Sure. Numb your brain. Life is crazy, treat yourself to some enjoyable stupidity.