Holy Emerging Emergencies!

By the Editorial Staff

Never think our President Trump is not prone to perspicacity. How clear-eyed he has turned out to be! When most legislators, career militarists and even residents of Arizona, California and Texas were blind to the immigration crisis afflicting our southern border, our commander-in-chief saw it all. His declaration of national emergency–to block these invaders from overwhelming all of us–was right in the nick of time. We all dodged one there. But what else does our president ogle? Surely a nation as broad, robust and consequential as ours faces more than one tribulation? What other catastrophes will Mr. Trump foil on our behalf?

• Rumor has it that Imagine Entertainment has plans to remake its 1997 hit movie, Liar Liar.  Jim Carrey, though shaggier and now known more as a first-class painter, is set to reprise his role as Fletcher Reede, Esq. President Trump is understandably alarmed by this. Not only is he upset at the recent spate of Hollywood retreads–A Star Is Born, Aladdin, Ocean’s Eight, Pet Sematary, The Grinch, Halloween, Mary Poppins Returns, The Predator, Tomb Raider, Robin Hood, Shaft–he’s particularly incensed that a movie about a lawyer who cannot help but tell the truth and only the truth so help him God is being produced yet again. Why? Why do we need another Liar Liar? So Carrey can ham it up on screen once more? So director Tom Shadyac’s career can be revived? Shadyac? So attorney-client privilege can be trampled upon albeit fictionally? Everyone must see through this anarchic, left-wing scheme: what would happen if all lawyers grew a conscience?

• Trump is getting antsy. His hair stylist is out of town for the week, and his scheduled appearances have slowly been approaching. He has tried to master the art of the comb-over before, but the complexity of the swoosh achieved by Brian and his team. On top of that, as if things couldn’t get any worse, his supply of hairspray is running low! He has been reported to be on the brink of declaring a national emergency, and for good reason. America simply isn’t ready to be exposed to the truth behind the comb-over, and Trump knows that. In a time where American morale is at a low, he realizes that the last thing we need is a view of his ever-growing bald spot. A national emergency must be declared! Although, it will be difficult for him to make the announcement without making a television appearance… perhaps we will all need to be keeping a closer eye on his twitter account in the upcoming days.

• Just this week Donald Trump declared yet another national emergency. President Trump has had enough of the media analyzing every tweet he posts, so as president he has decided to go after the basis of American law: the Constitution. It’s just too much to hear CNN or NBC belittle him each and every day so our nation’s leader has hopes of removing the clause for free press in the first amendment to the Constitution. If you don’t believe it, check his latest tweets. The messages about defeating the media are scattered among the multiple tweets repeating “MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN!” And if amending the Constitution proves to be too much effort, Trump has plans to shut down left-leaning news organizations once and for all. That way, Americans have only one source of credible news: his beloved network Fox News. After all, President Trump finds the “one-sided hatred” on most news programs to be “unwatchable” so the objective debates that favor both ends of the political spectrum on programs like Fox and Friends would be a fresh perspective.

• Recently, Saturday Night Live, a sketch comedy TV show, has been doing the unthinkable: cutting President Trump’s favorite cast member, Kyle Mooney, out of skits supposedly because of “time constraints.” President Trump roared to the press yesterday: “There’s no reason they should be doing this! Mooney is the only good cast member on the show. Kate McKinnon? Sucks. Kenan Thompson? The worst! This is blatant white male erasure.” After hearing this statement, many are speculating that a national emergency is going to be called to fight against the “biased liberal media and their sexist and racist views.” And for good reason! This unfortunate war against the new minority in America must be put to an end at any cost.

• Trump has declared national emergency once again. This time, due to a conflict over his favorite fast food chain, McDonald’s. Although his relationship with the company seems amiable—rewind to the feast he hosted for the Clemson University football team this past January in which he served its “great American food”—there may be more tension than he lets on. Before Trump lifts this declaration, he has one main condition for McDonald’s: it must change its brand name. His reasoning behind this is because the company shares his first name, and he does not want it to promote its products without his special permission. “It is my name. I own it,” he tweets. He is, however, willing to allow the company to retain its name if he is able to earn some of the company’s revenue.

• Trump has declared his 29th national emergency to save the American people from the sheer amount of money the federal government spends on climate change research. The temperature sure isn’t rising, but the reckless use of our country’s budget is. Unlike the Chinese, the United States gives its citizens scientifically proven facts of its operation, always with the best interest of its citizens at heart. In $11.6 billion dollars in federal funds were spent on climate change research, technology, international assistance, and adaption. In the midwest, just this winter, temperatures were the lowest ever recorded. If global warming were an actual phenomenon, this would be a great time for it to show up.