The Pill-fering of Races

On February 26, 2018, German scientists working for Merck & Co unveiled a new drug that allows users to alter their DNA, permanently transforming them into whatever race they choose.

“We have already completed all mandatory stages of the clinical trials,” says program lead Albert Leopold.  The so-called “race pill” is still under review by the FDA, but industry analysts expect the drug to be approved within the coming months.  In an era of rising drug prices, Merck has also stated that the “race pill” will be priced affordably enough for every family to change their race.

Dr. Leopold states “[Merck’s] goal with developing a pharmaceutical allowing for permanent race-changing is not to make a profit.  Our ultimate goal is to end the suffering caused by racial conflict by eliminating the concept of race altogether. If everyone is the same race, racial violence will cease to be an issue.”

Critics of the new drug have said racism is a far more complex issue than many people are making it out to be.  Professor Jean Steward of the University of Virginia has spent his life studying race relations, and he had this to say:

“To many people, their race is a source of pride and many cultures place a great deal of value on their ancestry.  Expecting everyone in the world to change one of the most fundamental aspects of their identity for such a lofty goal as ending racial strife is naive.”

However, despite Professor Steward’s claims, across the globe many governments and organizations have already expressed interest in the possibility of widespread race changes.  

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea issued a statement on the potential of using the race pill to convert “inferior races” into upstanding Koreans.  The North Korean regime also released footage of a speech Kim Jong Un gave upon learning of this new scientific achievement.

Translated to English, the dictator stated, “The imperialist dogs will no longer oppress Korea.  We can now seek not only to unify Korea, but to bring together the entire world under Kim rule.”

Additionally, military officials in Myanmar are reportedly considering using Merck’s newest pill to end the Rohingya Muslim refugee crisis.  In a military plan leaked by Myanmarese government contractors, several generals have met to discuss a concentration and forced race- changing program to be implemented in camps across the country.  The plan will attempt to turn the Rohingya people into native Myanmarese in an attempt to convert them to Buddhism.

Across southern Europe, nationalist political parties have praised the race pill as one of the greatest innovations of the 21st century.  Italy’s Northern League Party stated that the pill was “the dawn of a new day” and heralded it as the cause for a “return to the roots of our nation.”  In Greece, the Golden Dawn Party has proposed using Merck’s latest creation to help Syrian immigrants “assimilate” into the European way of life.

Nevertheless, Professor Stewart continued to disparage the race pill.  “The fact that so many opposing radical groups have proposed this drug as a solution to racial conflict is exactly why it will not work.” Stewart went on to assert that this drug will actually cause more racial violence.  “Before this invention, we as humans had to learn to coexist, and for decades we have been working towards this goal. My biggest worry is that now that it is possible to change race on a mass scale, new conflict will arise over what race should be allowed to remain while the others are eradicated.”

The worries of naysayers continue to be uncorroborated, though.  Multiple governments and organizations across the world from the DPRK to the American Freedom Party are heralding this race-changing pill as the solution to all their problems.  Within the next few years it appears likely the Earth will finally see the end of racial conflict as only one race of humans will be left to inhabit it.